reflections on the past 6 months

Benji and I often comment to each other how we aren't very adventurous people. We are both introverts and like the comforts and simplicity of home. We enjoy vacations and seeing and experiencing new things, but don't often push ourselves out of our comfort zone. Which is why when we talk and reflect on how our lives have changed over the last 6 months, we are blown away by what God has done and is continuing to do in our lives. 

We ask ourselves quite often...Did we really travel around the world twice in the last 9 months? Did we really spend 17 days in Ethiopia this year? Did we really take this step of faith? Is this really our life? Do we really have 2 amazing children now?

Yes.

God chose us to take a step out of our comfort zone and into a great adventure. There are still times when I can't believe we said, "yes" to this step of faith through adoption. It is not an easy path by any means. In fact, there are days when it is quite difficult. And yet, I'm so thankful for our glorious, precious, deep, rich, raw, painful, amazing journey.  I know for sure and for certain that if God calls you on a great adventure that it will not be easy, but He promises to be with you each and every step of the way. He brings us to the end of ourselves so that we can begin to see Him more clearly.


6 months ago, we woke up, hardly able to process the fact that we were going to go and take custody of our daughter. We felt a whole range of emotions...excitement, joy, fear, anxiety. We had prayed for our daughter throughout her whole life of almost 5 years, and yet we didn't really know her. We had spent 8 hours with her 2 months earlier, but didn't know how she would respond to us on this day. The last time we were with her, we heard her say just one or two words. I tell you, sometimes I think God allows you to block out the flood of emotions so that you will keep putting one foot in front of another in order to go through days like that day. Our daughter, Birtukan Johannah, is the strongest, bravest person I have ever met.

Everything in her short life was about to change forever and she kept putting one foot in front of the other, learning to trust us as her parents along the way, embracing the endless changes and challenges while trying to hold on to the familiar at the same time. I don't think I will ever see anyone go through a 3 day journey across the world with as much bravery, trust and grace as she did. Especially given she was dealing with several very pesky illnesses. God surely had His hand on her.

I haven't been able to write a blog post until now because of all the time, adjustments, attachment and processing of all that's happened. The emotions are still so raw. How do you sum up all that we've been going through in a few paragraphs? I guess one way is to just list some of the huge changes that Johannah (and all of us) have gone through in just 6 months...


*Learning to trust us to take care of her (medically, emotionally, spiritually, feeding her, clothing her, etc).

*Going through huge food changes. When Johannah first came home, the only things she would eat were injera (the flat bread pictured above), Ethiopian stews, hamburgers, chicken, french fries and the occasional banana. We ate fast food more than I dare admit for the first several weeks. Now she will try most anything at least once, and enjoys a much larger variety of foods.

*So many "firsts"....first restaurant, first airplane, hotel, elevator, escalator, store, grocery store. Having her own clothes, shoes, hair accessories, personal care products, medicine, her own room, her own bed. The first time she can remember having both a mom and a dad, first time she has known grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Eating cookies, ice cream, chocolate, candy, french fries, hamburgers, strawberries, bacon, and so much more. Wearing a coat, boots, hats, gloves, and going sledding. The first time wearing a seat belt in a car (terrified!), first time in a church, first time in a bathtub, going swimming, seeing animals at the zoo. Having her own toys, markers and paper. Playing with a phone, a computer, and iPad. The first time she celebrated her birthday...or even knew what a birthday was. The list goes on and on and on.

*6 months ago, Johannah spoke at most about 10 words of English. We spoke about 10 words of Amharic. Those first several weeks together, we learned over 100 words in Amharic (there's an app for that!) and she learned just as many in English. Our family still continues to speak a mix of English and Amharic, but it's been absolutely incredible to witness how quickly Johannah has been learning English. We've lost count of how many words she now has. She understands so much and is able to communicate her needs, memories and feelings more and more every day.

*Isaiah has gone from being the only child in our home for over 7 years, to now being a big brother to a sister just 2 1/2 years younger than him. This was a huge change for him, and all of us. There have surely been some rough spots, but overall, he has done amazingly well and loves his sister and they are becoming close friends. Even though they have their squabbles and annoy each other sometimes, they are starting to miss each other when they are apart. This is a true gift that we try not to take for granted. God has had His hand on Isaiah as well through this whole journey.

 *Trauma and grief are very real. Attachment can be very hard. Watching your precious daughter on "high alert," trying to take in all the information she needs to know, master and control every situation is difficult and exhausting. I know it looks like everything is happy and good from what we post on Facebook, and many things are amazingly joyful, happy and good and we celebrate them and want to share them. One of the things that we've learned though is that there is so much more going on underneath the surface and adoptive families struggle with things that are very hard to explain to those looking in. As my mother-in-law often says, "no one can truly know for sure what another person is going through." I believe this is true for all families. It's hard to ask for help when you don't even know what you truly need and you're too exhausted to think about it. 

*All this being said, it is very good to reflect on these past 6 months. We have so very much to be thankful for. Our lives are so much richer and deeper because of who Johannah is and is becoming. She is brave and strong, funny and stubborn, loving and kind, and has so much energy for life and so much love for family. She is smart, fierce, observant and loves to have fun and play. Her laughter is contagious. It's amazing to see how the love of a family can truly change a child's life. We've watched her go from being nearly non-verbal to finding her voice more and more. She often climbs in bed with me in the morning and sings to me made-up songs about anything and everything. We can't imagine our lives without her and are so thankful that God brought us together on this great adventure of becoming a family.

 

 

Ewedeshalo, sweet daughter.
Ewedehalo, precious son.
We love you. "Big one."

         

Meeting Our Daughter....

How do you begin to describe the day you meet your child for the first time? I remember when Isaiah was born, being so overwhelmed with every emotion under the sun, along with a fierce love for him and feeling extremely blessed. But to truly describe all those feelings? Some things in life are just too raw and too precious to put into words.

Yesterday was another one of those days. We met our daughter for the first time. She is no longer a just a picture on our wall, but a living, breathing, precious child....so very much our daughter. How cool to be able to spend the last day of 2012 and the first day of 2013 with her.

So many times during this time in Ethiopia, we have felt prayers covering us and God providing for the needs we didn't even know we had. The night before we met our daughter, Benji slept maybe 2-3 hours, and I didn't sleep at all. Jet lag was settling in, we weren't feeling well and were anxious about meeting her. Yet, we felt God's hand on us completely yesterday....so thank you to all who were praying. Your prayers were answered!

When we pulled into the compound where her orphanage is, our driver honked his horn and we waited for the gate to be opened. When we drove in, we saw lots of children crowding around and peering in to see who was coming. As soon as we stepped out, we saw her...standing alone, right by the side of the van, ready to meet us. I kneeled down and we gave each other a tenative hug...she smiled, then gave me another hug after being prompted by a woman speaking to her in Amharic. Then she turned to Benji and she stuck out her hand to shake his. This was so funny...she wasn't so sure of him yet, but she still wanted to be polite. This is also exactly what Isaiah does when he doesn't want to give someone a hug. So, already, in those first 2 minutes, I saw similarities between our 2 kids.

We were then ushered into another room away from the other kids so we could get to know each other. She was so sweet, so shy, so beautiful....she is our child. She kept making eye contact and giving a sweet, short, genuine smile. We could tell that just under the surface, there is a lot of confusion and sadness, and yet, she seemed to act like this was finally HER day and finally HER family was here and she was determined to smile.

During the first meeting with her, we gave her a small doll, played with finger puppets, sang songs, drew pictures together and just held her. During our second visit with her in the afternoon, we colored pictures, played with stickers, sang more songs, played with bubbles and saw her room where she sleeps. She did all of these things without saying more than 3 words over the 5 hours we were with her. She seemed much more at ease during the second meeting than the first. When we had to leave, she cried and could not be consoled. I think she thought we weren't going to come back.


We aren't yet allowed to show her full picture until we receive Embassy clearance. Here she is drawing pictures for us to copy...today it was all about soccer balls. :)

This morning when we were picked up by Holt's driver, he said things went well yesterday and it was a good sign that she cried. When we went back this morning, she was dancing with some friends by the side of the van and smiled a HUGE smile when we waved at her. She came to the side of the van and we gave her hugs. It took her a little bit of time to feel at ease with us again, but not long. She seemed to connect a bit more with Benji today, which was good. Yesterday, she wasn't too sure of him. We were told that she is usually very shy with the nannies. She also has one close friend, and seems to get along with everyone overall.

We could tell she was starting to feel more comfortable around us today...we just about cried when we heard her first laugh. Benji was giving her a piggy back ride and she just let out this little cry of a giggle....the sweetest sound ever.

We had brought a little blow up beach ball and took that out to play soccer. That REALLY helped her come out of her protective shell. Before long, she was laughing, running, teasing us, and even started to play hide and seek. She even started to say a few words, which was amazing. When the ball would roll under one of the beds, she would say "O-e-o-e-o" when she went to get the ball. I'm not sure what it meant, but it was always accompanied by giggles. Before our visit was over, we saw that our daughter has a sense of humor, a fun imagination, love for games and sports, and a loving spirit. Again, we are overwhelmed with the similarities between our 2 kids. We look forward to the day when we can joyfully watch the 2 of them playing soccer together in the backyard or playing in the park. Only God can bring a family together this way.

Before we had to leave today, she was quiet and sad, but when we told her we would come back again on Friday, she cheered right up and seemed much more confident. I'm so thankful they are letting us see her another time before we leave next Monday. The orphanage director said that this is our second home. She is their daughter, she is our daughter. It's going to be so hard to say good-bye to her on Friday....we are truly beginning to feel like she is our daughter already and we can't wait until the US Embassy gives us clearance to come back again to pick her up and bring her home for good in a couple of months.

There is so much more I could write, but I just can't put it all into words. We are so thankful for the time we've had with her and the memories we've all begun to make together. Please pray that Court for us will go well tomorrow and that the judge will deem us to be fit parents. Please also pray that God will continue to sustain us. We are starting to miss home, really miss Isaiah, and yet we know God has us here now for very important reasons.

Thank you all for your prayers!! Happy New Year!!

A Day of Miracles

Today was a day of miracles. There is just no other way to say it.

It began 3 days ago when we let our pet rabbit out in the yard to play. When we went to put him back in his cage, he ran under the porch and no matter what we tried we couldn't get him out. So we had no choice but to leave him outside. The next morning, there was no sign of him anywhere. We were sad and thought he was gone for good. We had to put down our cat, Piper earlier in the week, so the thought of losing 2 pets in one week was tough.

This snowy, cold morning, we had gotten up early to bring Isaiah to homeschool enrichment class. I was getting ready when I heard Benji yell out, "No WAY." I asked him what was going on, and he said, "Fluffers is out in the yard!" Sure enough, our sweet pet was alive and well after all (after no sign of him for 3 days), just sitting happily in the middle of the snowy yard. Miracle #1.

After a slow drive to school, I was able to stay and watch Isaiah perform in a short Christmas play with his French class. He was an angel in the play. He said his line and participated well...it was very sweet. A gentle reminder of what Christmas is really all about. Miracle #2.

After the play, I checked email on my phone on the way to the car (we'd been expecting to hear about our court date for the past few days), and saw an email from our case worker. It said "COURT DATE!!! I'll call you as soon as I get into the office!!" Super excited, I went to the car, dropped my keys, phone, purse, etc. in the car and stepped out to brush off the snow. After I brushed off the snow, I went to get inside and the car was LOCKED. Our car never does this once it's been unlocked. I have no clue why it locked itself, but it did. There I was, staring through the window at my keys and phone on the seat, with no way to get them.
Miracle #3.

I know what you're thinking....why is this a miracle? Here I was, knowing that our adoption agency would be calling any minute with information about our court date. The very call we had been longing to hear for exactly 6 months. It has been exactly 6 months to the day since we first got the call that we had been matched with our beautiful daughter. I could have cried. But instead, I felt humility and a peaceful joy fill me and I LAUGHED.

Don't you think God uses these little moments in our lives to turn the focus from ourselves back to Him? I felt His peace and joy fill me and waited to see what He was going to do next. He took control away from me and led me to humbly back to Him. Back where I belonged.

Long story short, Benji ended up driving over an hour to get to the school to unlock my car, listen to the numerous voice mails and emails from our agency, and to try to soak in this life changing information...TOGETHER. Miracle #4.

Our court date is January 2, 2013. Miracle #5.

We leave for Addis Ababa, Ethiopia in 9 days. This may seem like short notice, but to us it seems just the right amount of time. We were expecting to have to scramble and leave within just a couple of days....so 9 days seems just right. Not too soon, not to late. Miracle #6.

Benji and I were able to go to lunch at Panera Bread (the same one where we celebrated news of our referral 6 months ago), just down the street from the school. There, we called the adoption travel agent and over the next hour and a half, booked our flights. Miracle #6.

Our travel agent had a difficult time finding available flights for the dates we needed...this is just a really tough time of year to travel. So, we ended up needing to stay a few days longer than expected in order to get a flight home. Because of the longer trip, we will be able to be in Ethiopia and experience Christmas day there on January 7. From what we hear, being able to be there for Ethiopian Christmas is a really special experience. Also, plane tickets were nearly half of the price what we had been fearing they would be. Miracle #7.

We will be home for Christmas. Miracle #8.

Will will miss Isaiah's birthday on January 6, which is sad to us. However, on the way home this afternoon, I got a call from a good friend saying that she and another friend from our small group at church are already planning a birthday party for Isaiah on his birthday. So now he will feel love from both extended family and dear friends on that day. I'm blown away. This does my mama's heart good. I'm blown away. Another dear friend called and offered that Isaiah can come over to play while we are gone, as often as my in-laws need. Thank you, dear friends, for loving our son. Miracle #9.

Later this afternoon, my mother-in-law called to talk over flight options for she and my father-in-law. They are coming to take care of Isaiah while we are gone. Not only are the available to come and stay for the whole 12 days we are gone...they WANT to come. They are also coming a day early and staying 2 days after. Amazing. Miracle #10.

To top it all off, after having a nice celebratory dinner with my parents, when we got home, there was a special vinyl record in our mailbox that Benji has been waiting for for over 9 months. The cherry on top. Miracle #11.

To some, these all might seem like lots of nice things to happen in a day, or a bunch of coincidences. I know for certain and for sure, that the hand of GOD is alive and well and moving in our lives in ways that are mysterious, puzzling, exciting, daunting...and always......GOOD.  All the time.

In our laughter, in our tears. In the good and in the bad. In the clarity and in the confusion. Our God NEVER CHANGES. He loves us and longs for us to trust Him. He wants to draw us near to Him and whisper to our hearts that He is with us always. He knows what is best, even when we are blinded by our pain.

In 11 days, we will be meeting our daughter, face to face. Miracle #12. There just aren't any other words to describe this one.

Lord, thank you for making us so acutely aware of these miracles today. Open our eyes to your miracles, both big and small.

A Beautiful Day

October 6, 2012...A day that will be etched in my memory forever. A truly beautiful day. The day when our dear friends, the Starrs, brought home their precious Ethiopian daughter. We started this similar journey separately nearly 3 years ago before we even knew each other. We live about 2 miles apart, go to the same church, both homeschool, and our children are friends...all great blessings. But to go through this journey of Ethiopian adoption together (even though our timelines and agencies are different) has been an unexpected and wonderful blessing from God.

Seeing them complete this part of the journey to the homecoming day alone would make this day completely incredible. But God did even more. After nearly 2 years of reluctance, God is moving Isaiah's heart towards his little sister who is still a world away. Watching his friends experience the beauty of adding to their family through adoption has been a key factor, I believe, in helping him process through what will soon be happening in our own little family. For this, I am truly grateful to God. 

And there is more....God is so good! I have been really nervous about how I would handle yesterday. I was nervous about my fragile emotions and really wanting to be truly happy for our friends, without being super sad about our own delays in bringing home our daughter, or frustrated that we have to keep waiting with even more delays. Yesterday morning began with reading these words from Isaiah 52:7:

"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!"

I truly believe that God gave those words to me yesterday to lighten my heart and bring great peace and joy over the day. I felt God's presence wash over me in a way I can't really describe. I am so grateful!! I felt his true peace and joy the entire day long and was released from any feeling of self-pity or sadness. 

Praise the LORD! 

Here's a photo recap of this beautiful evening. 

Waiting for her Mommy, Daddy and baby sister. She sat this way for probably close to 15 minutes or more.

 

 

 

LOVE this one. Siblings immediately.

 

 

 

Our precious son watching and taking it all in.

 

 

 

So happy to be home at long last!!

 

 

 

Family portrait....all together...finally!!

Thank you God for a most beautiful day. And in Isaiah's words as we were leaving the airport last night, "Mom, Dad....this was.......GOOD."

Amen.

Lord, Help Me to Remember...

Our beautiful daughter's little hand

Waiting for our daughter has been the hardest things that we've ever gone through. Waiting for our referral was extremely tough. Waiting now that we know who she is is torture. Especially being told we would travel in July or August, to now having to wait until late Oct. or November. From what we've been told, the wait after we meet her until the time we can bring her home will feel even worse. Over the course of a lifetime, a month or a year or two or four or five doesn't seem like much. When you are waiting for your child, each day feels like an eternity. Every day your child sits in an orphanage seems so pointless and you feel so helpless.

During this time, I've been trying to pray and ask God to teach us what he is wanting us to learn during this time. He has made two things rather apparent this week that I've felt led to share.

First, I'm a fixer. I don't like conflict. Or pain. Or discomfort. Or watching friends or family in pain or grief. I want to fix it, say the right encouraging words, provide the right verse, come up with just the right solution or say the right thing to ease the pain and bring healing and resolution. I want peace not pain.

Not necessarily a bad thing, right?

However, it often doesn't work and sometimes ends up causing more pain to the recipient because what they really need is just to be heard and told that's it's ok to be sad or angry or hurt and that no matter what you'll be there for them. I'm starting to realize that I can't fix the pain that others are going through, just like I can't fix this pain that we are going through. It just hurts. Only God can bring true healing, comfort and peace and understanding of His perfect plan. He gives it in His own perfect time...which may be today, or next week, month, year... or even not until we reach heaven's gates.

Jesus was the perfect example of how to enter into a person's grief and just 'be there.' He wept when his dear friend Lazarus died. He KNEW what would happen in the next few minutes and that everyone would be shouting with joy when Jesus brought Lazarus back to life. But the first thing he did was to weep with his friends. He grieved with them. Perhaps going through the grief makes the joy that much sweeter when it happens? I don't know. Knowing that Jesus understands grief and that it's ok to cry and weep has been a great comfort to me in the past few weeks.

So, friends and family, for all the times I've tried to "fix" you and offer words meant to comfort, but have poured salt on your wounds instead, please forgive me. I'm truly sorry. What I meant for help and comfort because I love you and care for you, has caused you pain and I am beginning to understand that now. Please feel free to gently remind me if I keep doing this to you....old habits die hard.

Going through hurt and pain doesn't mean that you don't know or trust in God's provision and perfect timing. It just means that for that moment, day, week, whatever....it simply hurts. So badly sometimes that you just want to curl up in a ball, close the curtains, hide from the outside world and weep. And that's ok.

It's ok because of the second thing God has been teaching me...we live in a broken world and we will be until Jesus comes again and makes all things new. Things are not as they should be. Governments don't work the way they should. Courts don't always provide justice. Agencies cannot always be trusted. People we love hurt us and we hurt them. We don't protect the least of these as well as we should. We live in a sinful world and God has pretty much promised that we will have pain in this life.

However, there will come a day when Jesus will make all things new and redeem his people and his creation. There will come a day when we will understand God's purposes in this long, agonizing wait. Yet, we need to realize that we may not fully know what He is doing until we are with him in heaven. And it's ok to not understand and to struggle. At the same time, I choose to praise him, even through my tears and grief, knowing that He DOES KNOW and that He is sovereign. His omniscience is not dependent upon my understanding of what He is doing.

In the meantime, Lord, please help me to remember...
... how this grief feels in order to be able to be willing to enter into the grief of others to provide real comfort.
...grief is a process. No matter how much I want to gloss over the pain, take a shortcut, say that I'm fine, go through the motions, say the right 'spiritual answer', appear to have it all together, or quote the right verse....the pain is still there and grieving needs to be allowed.
...only You can bring true healing in your own perfect time.

O Happy Day!!

"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!"
Psalm 30: 11-12

 "Good news from far away is like cold water to the thirsty."
Proverbs 25:25

A little over a week ago, on June 19th, a little after 10 o'clock in the morning, we received one of the most important and life-changing calls of our lives. Our adoption agency called with happy news with our referral! They called while Isaiah was in karate. The class had just started and I heard the first few notes of the song "Hosanna" coming from my phone. This totally surprised me, since I had asked our agency the day before if they could let me know the number they would be calling from, so I could change the ringtone on my phone. I was tired of jumping at each and every call. Little did I know that they would call the very next day!!
I jumped up, ran out of Isaiah's class and practically shouted, "Hello!"...crying, laughing and shaking all at the same time. Then I heard the words I will never forget...

"Missy, did your phone ring with your new ringtone? (laughing on both ends), we have happy news for you! We have a referral for you and Benji....she's a beautiful 4 year old little girl...."

At this point, I'm sure she said a lot of other things, but I was crying and laughing and shaking, and praising God for his amazing blessings, that I just can't put all the other details into words.

One of the many amazing things about this is just that morning, 2 hours earlier, I was reading Proverbs 25, and when I came to verse 25, "Good news from far away is like cold water to the thirsty." That struck me as being really significant, so I read it out loud to Benji and we talked about how we were longing to hear that good news from far away.

Well, needless to say, after hanging up with our agency, I called Benji right away and we both couldn't believe it and were crying and laughing. He said he would drive over to karate right then and there, so we could read over her information together. The email with her information and her pictures hadn't come through on my phone yet.

Meanwhile, our dear friend, Nikki Starr (who had received their referral just 5 weeks earlier), came walking up and saw me from a distance waving my phone and jumping around like a crazy woman. She quickly put two and two together, screamed, and came running over. What a sweet blessing to be able to share that special moment with a dear friend who knew exactly how much it meant to us and how it felt.

About 15-20 agonizing minutes later, the email finally came through on my phone. With trembling hands I opened it and for the very first time, looked into my precious new daughter's beautiful face. I couldn't believe how beautiful she was, how healthy she looked...and how she was even smiling. God alone can take a terribly painful, heartbreaking situation and make something beautiful come out of it. He has certainly shown that to be true time and time again in our own lives.

Throughout this past week, I've reflected on how God, in his infinite wisdom, has brought our family together.

4 1/2 years ago, we started praying for and hoping for another child.

4 years ago our daughter was born, a world away.

2 2/3 years ago, we decided against not pursuing any more help with our unexplained fertility problems. We would leave it completely in God's hands.

2 1/2 years ago, tragedy struck our precious daughter's world.

2 1/2 years ago, God lead us to start the adoption process. He kept leading us to Ethiopia in our decision-making process. We couldn't fully explain why, except that we knew our daughter was there.

2 years ago we applied to the Ethiopian program.

17 1/2 months ago our dossier was submitted to Ethiopia.

2 1/2 months ago I couldn't sleep and was prompted by God to pray hard for our daughter. I did, but it wasn't enough, so I woke up Benji and we prayed fervently for our daughter.

2 1/2 months ago, our daughter was relinquished into an orphanage.

3 weeks ago I was prompted to pray again for our precious girl.

3 weeks ago our daughter went through a huge transition in her sweet, short life, transferring to a different orphanage.

A little over 1 week ago we saw our daughter's sweet face for the first time.

4 days ago, our formal match paperwork was submitted and Ethiopia was told that our daughter has a loving family.

4 days ago, our daughter was told she has a family. I can only imagine what she must be going through right now and my mama's heart aches for her and I can't wait to hold her in my arms.


Through 4 1/2 years of waiting on the Lord, we had many dark days and times of wondering what God was doing through our times of struggle.  Now we know. Even just writing this down I can see God's goodness through the pain and I am crying tears of joy.  I am truly humbled and in awe of our great God who can span the globe and in his perfect love, bring a family together. 

"God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy." Psalm 68:6a

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I will gather your children from the east and gather you from the west."
Isaiah 43:5

I cling to our faithful God, who keeps his promises today and in the days, weeks, months and years ahead.

an unexpected lesson on the road

I haven't felt lead to blog in over 6 months. I just didn't have the heart or inspiration. Yet we just returned from a 12 day, over 4,000 mile road trip and something happened along the road that I felt the Lord leading me to write it down. We went to San Jose, California for Benji's Grandmother's memorial and burial service. It was a very touching time with extended family that has made a lasting impact on our lives. We wanted to drive out, partly to honor his grandmother, Kathryn Van Diest. She loved being with family and valued making memories. Our plan was that on the way back home from California, we would stop at the Grand Canyon for a few hours. I have always wanted to see the Grand Canyon for myself, having heard so much about it from others who have visited. But something unexpected happened along the way.

I heard from God.

Not an audible voice, but an impression so strong that it overwhelmed and humbled me and blew me away.

It happened on the way to the Grand Canyon. We left Victorville, California on Saturday morning, excited to drive into Arizona and ultimately, the Grand Canyon. As we got closer to our hotel, I started noticing the landscape all around us. I had expected the hot desert with canyons all around. The route we took was heavily forested, cold, windy and hilly. After we checked into our hotel in Williams, AZ, we began the 58 mile journey to the canyon. The road was 56 miles that looked exactly like the picture above. Forest all around. Absolutely no indication that there was the most majestic canyon in the world, just ahead.

We were tired. It was late in the day. The road was tedious and felt like we would never arrive. I started to wonder if it was worth it. Isaiah was cranky. We were hungry. About halfway I felt a serious impression by the Holy Spirit, saying,

"This is like your faith journey, my daughter."

Wait. What?

Then it suddenly dawned on me how true that was. I had heard many stories about the Grand Canyon from people who had been there already. I had seen countless pictures. I had watched videos. I believed that it was real. I just hadn't experienced it for myself yet. God hadn't revealed himself to me in that way yet.

We've been on the adoption road for over 2 years now. Just on the road. It doesn't feel like we are going anywhere. We've heard the stories, seen the photos, watched the videos, filled out the paperwork. We have no doubt that God wants us on this road at this time. At times we get weary, sad and tired and even doubt if it will even happen.

We had to have faith to continue down the road to the canyon, even though there was absolutely no indication that it was even there. We had to have faith to press on, even though we were tired and doubting if it was worth it.

Boy, was it worth it! God revealed himself in a mighty and personal way to me that day. In a way I desperately needed. As we parked the car and walked past the visitors center, we still couldn't tell that the Grand Canyon was even there. But then finally, as we rounded a bend, there it was! So completely majestic, beautiful, immense and overwhelming that it hurt to look at it. Yet, we couldn't tear our eyes away from God's incredible beauty displayed in his awesome Creation. It was so incredible and terribly dangerous and raw and powerful. Words and photos can hardly scratch the surface of it's true nature and beauty.

Our faith journeys are like that, aren't they? Almost always, the roads that God leads us down don't usually look like what we expect. They are usually harder that we think. There are times of doubt and trouble. There are times we wonder if this road will end or finish well. I don't think I adequately can put into words what God pressed on my heart that day. I praise your name, Lord Jesus. Thank you for carrying us on the road when we are weary. Thank you for sending messages of joy and hope and words of encouragement to keep on pressing on. Thank you for the promise that there will be a day when we will round the last bend and enter into your glorious presence and never doubt your goodness and perfect plan again. I thank God that all of Benji's grandparents and all of my grandparents are experiencing that to the fullest right now, in heaven.

"Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised."
Hebrews 10:36

"For the earth is the Lord's, and everything in it."
1 Corinthians 10:26